Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
How am I suppose to look him in the face when I know a commercial lasts longer than he does?
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
Dude is PACKING. And yes I am holding up a cross and holy water and hissing like a pissed off goose.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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