Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
No padding. I spent my whole summer with my nips out. October don't need that too.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
Randomize
