Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
One day. I will touch his hair. I'm curious if it'll be like a soft cloud.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
He peed off the roof and then we bonded it was beautiful
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
