did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
the tow truck driver and i bonded while discussing our experiences with four lokos
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Someone came into our hotel room and took our remote
What should I do?
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
