I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
The walls in my apartment are so thin that sometimes when I fart, I stop to listen if people are laughing next door.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
Thrres cinnamon everywgte. Plead cine get me
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