If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
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