the snow is so cold on my vagina.
why do you have snow on your vagina?
vodka and heels.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
So again no comment on the cleavage. I'm a bit disappointed. If those girls come together to make cleavage AND I send you a pic of it, you have to comment on it. That's like relationship 101.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
