I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
Have you ever been anal in a bush on the Vegas strip drunk?
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
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