I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.
My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
How are you getting in?
I know some influential drag queens
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
just because you have a nice tits it doesn't make you a magic little snowflake.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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