Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
That sucks about the drama. But hey, it's always a good day when you see someone get tazed!
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
dude ur drinkin a beer not ta capri sun. lose the straw
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
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