The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
hey can i ask you a kinda weird question?
i know what the question is. yes they are bigger, and no i did not get plastic surgery
guys are not supposed to queef...right?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
just a heads up, there may or may not be a mailbox full of the leftover beer on the table in your basement.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
