Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
Henceforth: booty calls will now be referred to as "deliveries of anatomy". That is all.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
Randomize
