i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
Randomize
