Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
Randomize
