So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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