She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Last night was just one giant freudian slip.
You made out with EVERYBODY.
Can I just bleach my life?
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
