Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
