I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
Randomize
