So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
FIVE TIMES AND I HAVENT GOTTEN OFF ONCE
literally yelled NOOOO right before he finished .. yelled “five times and I still haven’t gotten off” when he was still inside me ..
Said “don’t worry I’ll get myself off tomorrow” to top it all off
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