I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Found a 10-can wizard staff hidden in our closet. Did we cut someone off?
That's yours. We cut you off.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Seriously this night has "go home now before you cry, puke or scream on someone" written all over it.
Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
