Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Before getting out of the car, she said "Thanks for getting me off." I like how polite she is.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Randomize
