Pappa wants mamma naked
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
He's a real gentleman. At least he tried to flush my closet's handle after he pissed in it.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
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