I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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