Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
My liver just broke up with me...
oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
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it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
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shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
Imma go take shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
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