I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Randomize
