If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I cut my penus on the lid.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
Drunk sperm are not productive sperm.
Should I wear my "kiss me I'm highrish" shirt for my drug screen today?
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
