my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
for me the strap perfect is like a chastity belt
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
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