I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
don't judge my taste in strippers
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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