what day is it and did you see me today?
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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