I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
Randomize
