If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
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