if i can run in heels then i can drive
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
