Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
I feel like someone had their period in my eyes.
I'm sorry I got a little outta control last night.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
