my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
COCAINE IS GR8
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
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