I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.
I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
BTW rolling him off the couch and onto that tarp was pure genius. He definitely pissed himself last night.
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
the party picked up after I got pretty drunk...I got kicked in the fucking head by a tiny lesbian...she was 5'1" I did not think she could do it...i was very wrong
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
