I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
i figure now that we're number one party school im obligated to black out at least 4 days a week. andddd go.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
debating what would be more effort, turning on to my other side or trying to get myself off with my left hand. that kind of lazy day.
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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