I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
I know you're my sister, but I'm pretty sure I'm going to have sex with one of your exes this weekend. He's probably not gay, but I'll let you know.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
