dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I don't know what's more sad: The fact that he fingered the side of my leg, or the fact that the side of my leg feels like a vagina.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Sometimes a man just deserves to get woken up with a blowjob.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
Randomize
