Just found out what was wrong with Esther. Turns out she's 33 and still not married. This explains everything.
September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
I have officially had sex in every room on my floor. Don't say I'm not an amazing RA.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
I threw up a lot of peanut butter last night.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Randomize
