singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
Randomize
