oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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