so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
I think she must be bulimic. I mean, every time I see her I know i want to throw up.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
They won't let me buy alcohol in the airport until 9am. Super judgemental
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
I was informed this morning that I took all my clothes off and ran around the whole apartment complex. Being as they just moved in, welcome to the neighborhood.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
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