Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
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