you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.
That's the best creepy text ever.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
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