Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
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Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
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I got so many dick pics last night. It was like a slideshow from heaven.
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
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