I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
Why did I just get a ziplock baggie labeled "2010" on it from you in the mail?
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I should become a firefighter. Who uses his cock to fight fires. Like a Superhero.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
He said he couldn't fuck me cause I kinda looked like my brother
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
Randomize
