Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
I almost just opened my door to get my pizza butt ass naked
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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