GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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