turns out gay frats are just like normal frats, only with more v-necks
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
So I think my aunt and her one legged boyfriend are getting it on in the next room. Traumatized does not even begin to describe what I am right now
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
My VP dropped me off at the Strip Club in Houston. Just said "I was never here".
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
Randomize
