weddingsv make me drug and hornr
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
