i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.
We just catapulted a jelly bean off of his hard dick into his mouth.......Happy Easter!
I'm super disappointed in my clit.
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Randomize
