I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I can't wait til my little brother reaches the point where puking doesn't mean we stop drinking
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I need a life alert for his random dick pics. My heart can't handle that.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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