The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Please come to class. I miss you and I have a horse mask
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I DEMAND FORESKIN
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