I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Some bum walked up and watched me getting head last night for like 5 mins before I noticed him
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
Sweet! It'll be a "that-minor-I-used-to-serve-alcohol-to-is-no-longer-a-minor" party!!!
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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