I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
Randomize
