how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
I didnt realize how badly my legs were scratched up from power-fucking him in the bushes until kate dumped a bottle of vodka on me. that shit burnedddd
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
