I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti
That's what happens when you party with the tribe
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Randomize
