i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
When your grandma invites you to a sweet girls' Valentine's dinner with your mom and sister, but you have to decline because you're trying to get two dudes to rail you at once...
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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