I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
stephanie tanner's voice is so fucking annoying. no wonder she resorted to crystal meth.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
We just finished having sex and as soon as we get out of bed he yells "trust fall" and runs me over
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
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